Don’t you just love it when….

…. Something snaps inside and all the things one’s parents have said to you over the years kinda start to make sense?   Cryptic I know.  I’ll try to explain.  Since becoming a “Mummy” I’ve been plagued with many thoughts of how my talk to my Daughter will (or will not) affect her as she grows up.

One thing my Mum has always said to me (amongst many, but this one is pertinent for right now) is “You’ve always been the same – once you prove you can do something you lose interest and stop doing it”.  (She is right…)

I’ve been running my own little self employed business for a little while now, and as it isn’t taking off and flying straight out of the gate I have to do the “Working Tax Credit” dance.  Which means doing my accounts….  Which have to be done anyway, but the whole Working Tax Credit thing kinda forces the time issue.  So why have I left it to the last minute to sort this out?

accountsI am, as my partner puts it “The Spreadsheet Queen”.  Never happier than when mucking about with numbers and formulae and graphs (- oh the joy!!) and what not in whatever spreadsheet program I’m using.  Formerly the Goto person in whatever company she was working in for people to ask… “so.. how do I do make this thing do……”.   I love it.   So why the reticence to deal with my accounts?

I may come across as a bit ditzy or airy fairy at times, but actually there is a sound logical underling streak that runs through myself.  If this business isn’t working then of course I need to know so I can either batter it into working or let it go.

A few days ago, Mum was sat in my kitchen having a cuppa and said that one of the problems she saw that I had at school was that I wasn’t pushed.  I was bored and the main thing my parents were always being told was that “She daydreams alot”.

Well Duh??!!!!  Excuse me but off in fantasy land inside my head or in the classroom doing maths?  No contest really.  Now – make those maths relate to my fantasy land and we’d have got along fine.  BUT I’m getting off point.

Dad then said something along the lines of “Well if she had three pages of maths to do in class, she’d do 1, and then not bother with the rest”.

This was new information to me…. so I sat with it and then let my head do its thing whilst it let whatever memories come up for me at that time.  I remember a very faint feeling of “I can do this”.  And then stopped doing the maths and went on with daydreaming.

But what came up after then was interesting.  And yes, its linked to Mum’s comments of “once I prove I can do something I stop doing it”.

Many hobbies have come and gone…. careers even – once I’ve “done it” and if its not still keeping my attention, then away it drifts.

But the main thing that came up was this.  Back when at college, many years ago… I helped my best pal with an assignment – Finance of all things.  I remember it to this day, I was getting REALLY excited about this assignment as even back then I remember the tingly feeling when doing things like Profit and Loss accounts and having to use spreadsheets!  I think she must have picked up on my enthusiasm, and as she was struggling with it asked for help.  Which I gladly gave.

But in doing so I may have sabotaged myself!  Because in my head I’d already done the assignment!  So then didn’t bother with mine!

Whenever its come to doing accounts and such for me, since that point I’ve felt a bit of a failure – because it was not having that assignment that meant I didn’t achieve the qualification at the time.  Hence – everytime coming to do my accounts for whatever business I may have been running – avoiding and procrastinating till the absolute last minute.

I’ve had about 4 nights of very late nights trying to get my head around this latest batch of figures… and this gift from my parents came right at the perfect time.

There’s a Blue Moon happening in a few days time, and this is causing many things that have been pushed aside and not dealt with to be dealt with. If there’s anything you’re avoiding – watch out because, as with me, things will arrange themselves so you HAVE to deal with them.

I need sleep – more than usual at this particular time… and yet I have been sat at my computer physically holding my eyes open over the past couple of evenings, and I’m sure my partner thinks I’m going mad…  because – yes, even though I can hardly see straight, let alone type in a straight line… and I flit and flop about through the spreadsheet, yes – that is a smile you see.

Its one thing to be told “This is how you are”, but we need to take personal responsibility to make sure that it doesn’t turn into “This is how you always will be”.

So, with that, I go to sleep knowing that in the last accounting year I did make a (small) profit, and now need to get going with this year to make this one match up with the last one!

Thank you Universe for presenting this problem to deal with and thank you Mum and Dad for your gift of insight into my past which helped me put 2 and 2 together! 😀 (Without the aid of a spreadsheet!)


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