A Fairytale.

Well, if you’ve been reading my blog recently you might be forgiven for thinking I’ve finally flipped.  With losing the baby in April – how could this possibly in any way be referred to as a fairytale?

If you’re willing, I’ll explain.

May arrived.  I felt strange urges that Must Be Obeyed.  It was to fettle, sort and spring clean.  So whilst tackling the tetris puzzle that is my clothes storage, I hooked my phone up to the speakers in the bedroom and started to listen to a podcast by Damh the Bard.   Episode 95 to be exact.  A cracking episode for my first one to listen to, music from Seth Lakeman, The Poozies (The Widow – brilliant!) and a “talky bit” by a lovely lass called Joanna Coleman from a talk based on her PHd – in Fairytales and Fantasy.

My world stopped – just for a nanosecond, and then carried on again.  A PHd in Fairytales and Fantasy?  If there ever was a course so suited to me there it was.  In that moment I was gutted that I didn’t follow the “University Path” so I could sign up for a PHd in Fairytales and Fantasy!

One of the themes she explores in her talk is about how fairytales are not just nice stories to be told to children at bedtime, but that they hold within them not just hints and tips for how to navigate this life (much of which has been lost and forgotten), but actually that these fairytales were often tales of rites of passage.  The lead character in them normally has to go through an ordeal or trial, and by acting in a way that is congruent with nature (normally helping some woodland creature or person) and in return for that help are given help for their quest/task.

Beltane had been just a few days earlier, on the Thursday night (the 30th April) I remember being stood at the landing window looking out on the garden.  The moon was full and shining like daylight on the things in the garden, the swing seat, the black bamboo sparkling in the light, the shiny plastic slide, swing… random toys.  I wanted to go outside to be part of the energy of the new season but I knew if I did I’d suffer for it in the morning as my Little one would be up at 6 if not earlier.  I stood at the window a little longer and then went downstairs to take a photo of the moon.

Marking the occasion by a post on Facebook…

11193336_10155438475865198_2246119287912458270_nSome moonlit and starfull nights are peaceful, comforting. Tonight feels not! Mischievous energy, the moonlight dancing through the shadows of the trees, bouncing off the reflective shine of the slide, swing, garden fork half stuck in the last dandelion patch. Trancing out, shadows start to move as my eyes unfocus. Things that are not there dance on the edge of my vision. The desire to be outside getting stronger as every part of me is seduced by the energy around me. Have a great Beltane everyone. 🙂

I went to bed in a very trance-like state.  Whilst my body may have slept my mind/soul didn’t feel like it was asleep.  More than once that night I wandered to the landing to visit the bathroom and got sidetracked at the window.

The female energy that was with me in the garden on that morning that Little Spark left, whilst she felt larger than life, at that time had made herself small enough to fit around me in a hug whilst the deed was done.

This time as I looked out over the back garden, there was no way she could have brought herself down to anything smaller than she was.  Have you ever seen something so big, that you’ve walked straight by it and missed it?  It was a little like that.  As I gazed out, I realised she was there.  Like a rabbit caught in headlights, my breath stolen by the sheer beauty of the night and the energy, I gawped like a teenager meeting their favourite pop star.  She had a message for me.

I gave you a task to do, and you did it.

Pride is a human concept.  She was not proud of me.  She was not pleased nor displeased with how I had acted, what I did or didn’t do.  For as long as I can remember I have on the deepest level sought praise from parents, family, friends, employers for each and every task they asked me to do.

This however, had nothing of praise or pride, or gratefulness. Nothing.  Simply recognition for completing a task.  I went to bed, feeling complete.  Satisfied that I had done what was asked of me.

My fairytale quest/task was to carry Little Spark for that brief time.  The help that was asked of me during that task was to help my garden be loved and looked after.  The help that came back my way, was the peace, safety and healing given to me from the garden. And it was definitely a rite of passage.  A tough one, and not one I’d ever wish for anyone to go through – but this isn’t ours for the asking.  Its what we’re asked to do.

And recognition for a task completed which came at the turning of the season, Beltane. Darkness turning to the light.  Its been a very dark time, but in contrast its been a time of much brightness too.  You can’t have bright stars without the night sky now can you?

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