It’s been a trying few weeks. My own energy levels seems to have dropped through the floor, whilst the energy levels of the children have increased exponentially. I’ve been feeling more and more overwhelmed, found it difficult to concentrate, plan, think… even write. Words feel stuck and as if I’m having word blindness. So I’ll do my best to let them flow.
I’ve put it down to a few things. Overdoing it and not resting up enough. Feeling pulled in many different directions. Family and close friends going through trials and tribulations of fairly serious natures. It’s only been a month since my last sound therapy session with Nicola of Earthtones Sound therapy (Earthtones on Facebook) but it feels like forever ago.
Due in part I discover today to low results on annual thyroid blood test a few days ago). It feels like “just one more thing” gets added on top. Just another thing… oh, and this too, and this – and this.
In the chat before the session Nicola asked the usual run of questions, along with the usual “how do you feel this is affecting your spirituality?”.
“Disconnected”. And I felt sad. I feel I’m at the beginning of a journey that I’ve actually been on for a long time – but only recently aware of it. And since being aware of it, feeling more disconnected rather than connected.
One of those “just another things” that happened yesterday was a mad dash around the house, attic, anywhere and everywhere to find the log book for the car in order to tax it. (Not having received the reminder through the post). Going through old papers and random boxes of things, and finding photos and mementos, but stirring up all sorts of feelings and emotions that I’d rather not have to deal with. Amongst all this I found the last birthday card I received from my sister the year before she died. It didn’t say anything. Brief. To the point. Why should it have been any different? It wasn’t like either of us knew it would have been the “last one”. It brought home to me just how much I feel I didn’t know her. And how much I miss her.
With these two things in mind, along with a massive glittery knot-tangle of manky tinsel upon my heart (the construct…!) (aka stuff I wanted to deal with) we set out into the sound therapy session.
The gongs sang.
I normally in these sessions float off somewhere, carried aloft on vibrations of energy and sound. In this session though, I remained firmly in my body – very intense. Almost immediately I felt a sensation of slight spinning. It’s a feeling familiar and welcome to me – usually have it when doing Reiki self healing or receiving Reiki treatments. I feel its just things starting to untangle and begin to be cast off.
Spinning now over and I begin to see patterns and waves of light from behind my closed eyes. The patterns and colours change when the sounds change.
Feeling the vibrations from the gongs tickle up from my feet through my legs, I remember the very first session I had with Nicola, meeting with awareness that energy I’ve had trouble connecting to – “In the name of the Goddess”. This is what I feel disconnected from. How do I reconnect? Immediately – and in my own voice I feel “Rise up” is given. But when everything is overwhelming me and feels like its dragging me down – how do I rise up? I don’t know how. I felt like the Eldest little one when she says “I don’t know how to” when I ask her to do something challenging.
I then started to feel consumed by the sound, it was everywhere and everywhen. Surrounding me. Nudging gently at all that I was holding onto and encouraging strongly that I let go. It worked its way up my body until it got to my nose and mouth – and then I started to breathe in sound.
Immediately, and with the volume turned up to maximum, clear as a bell I hear the following words, changed slightly from Snow Patrol’s Run. (The melody remained the same).
Rise up, rise up,
As if you had a choice,
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear…
Stronger, Stronger, ….
Have heart my dear,
You’re bound to be afraid,
even if its just for a few days,
making up for all this mess.
Wow. My heart felt like it exploded with love. I remember feeling like really wanting to cry – proper head thrown back waily wailing. But I felt too much peace – and love. These were only the bits of the song that I remembered. I can’t remember it exactly as I heard it but it was so loud, and so encompassing, almost too loud (ha… no such thing!). (Link to “original version” at the end).
In all the experiences I’ve had, dreams, visions, daydreams, altered states of consciousness….. I’ve never experienced this before. I’ve never heard music from within. I’ve almost been disconnected (disassociated?) from it – until now.
The session continued, and just after this part sound actually felt like it broke. If you put felt tip pen onto some paper, and then drip a drop of water, or alcohol onto it the dye splits (depending on the colour used) and you see the colours that go into making up the original colour of the felt pen. Well, that’s what happened to the sound. The sound split. I cannot even begin to describe it – but then I was aware that the sounds I was making were changing the overall sounds I was hearing – if I breathed in the sound was one way, if I breathed out it was different. Short of hyperventilating I thought I’d better just enjoy it rather than force the differences!
At the end of the session even the percussion sounds felt split into their constituent parts…
And right at the end, when silence came – Nicola suggested I check back in with the construct. What do I need to do to change it, or to maintain the feeling if it is gone?
And that feels like it should be the end of this post doesn’t it? But there’s one last gift from today. I stood with Nicola and chatted briefly about returning to “life” (normality, reality yadda yadda…) and eventually got back in the car. The radio comes on automatically with the ignition – to these exact lyrics from Electric Dreams (not the beginning of the song…)
We’ll always be together
However far it seems (love never ends)
We’ll always be together
Together in electric dreams
Because the friendship that you gave
Has taught me to be brave
No matter where I go
I’ll never find a better prize (find a better prize)
Though your miles and miles away
I see you everyday
I don’t have to try
I just close my eyes
I close my eyes
I had to stop and pull over. Though your miles and miles away, I see you everyday. I don’t have to try, I just close my eyes, I close my eyes.
I see you. I see us. Sisters Three, up a tree!
Thank you Nicola. Thank you Universe. Thank you Goddess. Thank you Claire.
Links as promised…